If I Were Dead
by CoralinaPlantain
Summary: In the day after the fundraising party Arizona had to deal with the hungover and fight with her own feelings. How is she feeling after the prior night when she found out that her wife was telling people that she was dead? (two-shot)
1. Chapter 1

AN: What a great episode this week, huh? How crazy/funny was drunk Arizona? It was worth it to wait to see her drunk all these years. But what about Callie... not cool to say that Arizona was dead, right? So I felt like I had to write about it, it may not be the way you guys thought it would happen in the show but let's just go with it, okay?

AN2: I wanna thank my partner in crime (read writing/betaing) 'MaybeIShouldGetACat'. I find it a little hard to understand Arizona's feelings since I'm more of a Callie's girl (please, don't get it wrong, I don't do the 'teams' thing) and she helped me a lot, thanks girl you rock!

AN3: I wanna congratulate the fandom too for the 200th episode, because the song says 'But these stories don't mean anything when you've got no one to tell them to...' and it's so true, the fandom is a huge part of it so, yaaaay us!

AN4: I'll stop 'talking' and let you read, enjoy it!

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ARIZONA'S POV:

It's the day after the big Grey-Sloan fundraising gala, and I am sitting in my darkened office catching up on my charting. I've been doing a lot of surgeries lately…not like I have much else. As I squinted at my own, somewhat illegible handwriting my head started to pound. God, I knew I shouldn't have drunk all that alcohol. _'Ugh, my head is going to explode.' _ I just can't concentrate.

I scoffed as I rested my head on my hand _'Who am I trying to fool?'_ I rolled my eyes…Great…If I wasn't already the crazy one, now I'm having conversations with myself too. I sighed as my thoughts returned to last night. To be completely honest I'm using the alcohol as an excuse for my distracted mind but I know it's not the real reason why I'm like this.

Callie. Callie is the reason why I'm like this. She was so beautiful last night, her black dress matching her raven hair perfectly. She was just…perfect. And it breaks my heart. I'm sure my shrink would ask me why it breaks my heart…but it's simple. The woman I love can't stand to be in the same room as me. She can't even look at me. The only times she talks to me are about work or about Sofia. And I can't stand that anymore. You don't need a medical degree to see why that's got me so messed up…especially since it's all my fault.

But what's really bothering me today, beyond my usual angst…other than the massive hangover…is what she did last night. The flashback of my drunk conversation with April Kepner came to mind.

_"Do you think Callie's ever gonna forgive me?"_ _I asked quietly, my cheek pressed up against the metal of the supply wrack that I was holding onto to keep myself upright._

"Probably not. She's telling everybody at the gala that you're dead." Her tone was soft and apologetic but her words cut like a knife into my heart.

How could Callie do that to me? Tell people that I'm dead…I hadn't expected that from her. Would she really rather I be dead than…this?

I was pulled out of dreamland by a knock at my door. _'Ugh…my poor head.'_

"Come in." I said as I cleared my throat. I didn't need anyone to see that I was struggling.

"Dr. Robbins?" It was Kepner…my new…drinking buddy…friend…I have no clue. She didn't look any better than me. "I came to see if you're alright…I mean after last night. I think we might have drunk a little too much."

_'You think?'_ I cleared my throat again. "Despite the fact that I feel like my head is going to explode, I'm fine." I gave her a weak smile. "How about you? You don't look any better."

"Same…I spent the whole night in the bathroom you know…after I got sick in the cab I couldn't stop thr-"

I held up my hand to cut her off. I'm a pediatric surgeon and bodily fluids don't usually gross me out…but with my hangover…and after my own night in the bathroom, I didn't need to hear about hers. "Ew, stop!"

"I'm sorry." She said softly, looking at me with her big sad eyes.

"Hey, it's okay." I afforded her a small laugh. "You don't need to apologize for this." _'And you don't need to look at me like I'm the pathetic cheater we both know I am…'_

"I'm not talking about this." Her words went along with what I was already thinking. "I'm talking about…you know. What Dr. Torres did wasn't right."

The corner of my lips twitched up in a sad smile, acknowledging her words. Right now I couldn't look her in the eyes. I just stared at my messy handwriting in the chart that was open on my desk. April and her alcohol had been a good friend last night. But right now I just wanted her to leave. "Never mind it. I'll be fine." My eyes jumped up to hers and I saw those big sad puppy dog eyes looking at me again.

"I hope so." She said kindly before leaving the room.

I sighed as I squinted at the chart again. The last thing I needed today were people pitying me. I can pity myself.

* * *

The day had been pretty calm so far. And for that I was so unimaginably grateful. There weren't many incoming traumas and the two surgeries I scrubbed in on in the afternoon were scheduled and uncomplicated procedures. My hangover may have dissipated somewhere around lunch time but I really don't think I would have been able to handle anything complicated with my current mental state.

Now it was almost 5:00 in the afternoon and all the board members were at a meeting that Jackson had called announced that morning. _'Please tell me you're not planning another party.'_ Even if the party _hadn't_ been an emotional disaster for me, there was still the fact that I had ruined my dress by closing it in the taxi door.

"Alright people," he started his speech. "The gala didn't exactly go as smoothly as we planned for it to. We had some incidents in the middle but nothing that our doctors couldn't handle. Congratulations on the great surgeries by the way." He said, looking at Derek, Meredith, Owen, and Callie.

"Did we get enough money?" I asked, not really interested in the complements at the moment. I just needed to know if we had enough money for NICU blankets. That's really all I cared about at the moment.

"We did actually." He continued to smile at us. "We got more than enough money."

"Which department won the competition?" Thank you Cristina for getting to the point because I really just wanted to go back to my dark office and be miserable in private…or maybe I could hit up that supply closet again…I'm locking the door this time. But Cristina was still talking. "I mean, I hope it was Cardio. I didn't spend the whole night with a drunk-"

"You're the one who got him drunk." Meredith cut her off.

"Whatever. I didn't spend my whole night with a drunk for nothing."

"I'm sorry to disappoint you Dr. Yang, but your department didn't get the money." The look of disbelief on Cristina's face was priceless and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to hold in my giggles. "The department that gets the money is Orthopedics."

"Oh bite me!" Cristina huffed as she left the room.

_'What? Callie won?'_ I couldn't believe it. I would have been happy for her. But no. No, I won't be happy about it. She won because she made people believe that I was dead. She won because they felt sorry for her. Sorry for the poor widow Callie. _'That's not fair.'_ I could feel my cheeks getting red with some combination of anger and humiliation.

"What?!" She asked surprised.

Jackson looked at her, "You got the money for your department. I don't know what you did but it was better than the others. Even before I took the donors to the gallery your department was heading the competition. Congratulations Dr. Torres."

Except for Cristina who had already left in a huff, everyone was now shaking Callie's hand and giving her congratulations before leaving the room. I couldn't help but stare…She was all smiles because she got the money for Ortho. She didn't even seem to care that it was because of a lie. A lie about my life.

"Aren't you going to talk to her?" I heard Owen's voice beside me as I slowly pushed myself up from the table and got my balance. "I understand you have your problems but it was a gain for the hospital and you should try to put your pers-"

"Owen, I don't want to be rude, but you're the last person who should be telling me this. You're a cheater too…the only difference is you wife didn't out you in front of all of your colleagues." You'd think I would have gotten some support from the other person in the hospital wearing a scarlet letter. But Owen's was hidden while mine was pinned to my chest…just another thing for everyone to stare at. I continued, "And besides, you couldn't fix your relationship with Cristina. So don't try to fix mine." Okay, that was rude. I usually don't talk to people like that but I was just so mad that I was saying things without even thinking. That's my problem these days. The same thing happened that night with Callie in the on-call room. I really need to learn how to control it.

I left Owen standing there with this stupid, open-mouthed look of surprise. But really, what did he expect…I really really thought I would have gotten some sympathy from him but apparently the hospital's resident harlot deserves none. As my legs started to carry me out of the conference room, I chanced a look up and my heart stopped for a moment when I saw her staring at me. Our eyes met just like last night at the party. But this time, instead of running away, I found myself walking towards her.

As I stood in front of her, I could tell that she wasn't comfortable with this. Neither was I. _'Come on Arizona, just say congratulations and get the hell out of this room. You don't even need to shake her hand. You don't have to. You don't want to. She doesn't want you to.'_ "Congratulations." I said coldly, without making eye contact. _Stay strong Robbins._

"Umm…thank you." She said. I could tell that she was embarrassed. She knows what she did was wrong.

I gave a curt nod of my head and started to walk away before the anger welled up again and I couldn't control it. I spun back to face her. "You must have used one hell of an argument to get those people's money huh?"

She stared into my gaze…She knows that I know.

"Arizona…" She said with her soft voice. The voice that would drive me crazy if I wasn't this mad. The voice that I had been desperate for a month to hear.

"You go Dr. Torres!" I said sarcastically, raising my arms in a congratulatory cheer. My arms dropped back to my sides, the knuckles of my left hand clunking loudly on the plastic of my prosthetic leg. "Your wife would be really proud of you."

Those were my last words before turning on my heel and heading out of the room. "Arizona…please, wait!" I could hear her voice call out to me but I didn't look back. I couldn't look back. I had to go to my office. That was my safe haven now. The only place I could breakdown…besides my now empty home. It was getting harder and harder to wake up alone in there, not having Callie by my side or Sofia jumping on our bed to wake us up. I shut the door behind me and dropped heavily to the couch.

"Arizona, please. Open the door." I heard her voice outside the room. I didn't want to let her in. I just wanted to stay on my couch and cry. Couldn't I suffer alone? I was dead after all. "Arizona…please let me in. We need to talk."

Realizing that she wasn't going to go way, I pushed myself back up off the couch. "Now you want to talk? I've needed to talk for weeks and you didn't give me the chance. Why should I let you in? Why should I let you talk when you didn't let me?" I know why she didn't let me…because at that point I didn't deserve to talk to her. But now the anger in my body laced my words. My cheeks were red and the vein in my neck was pulsing faster and faster as I grew more upset.

"Because you're not me." She said softly. 'What _the hell was that supposed to mean?'_ Because I wasn't as fiery or as reactive as she was? In the past I hadn't been. I had been the even headed one in the relationship. But this Arizona of late…well she could give Callie a run for her money.

"You told them I was dead…" My voice was now full of hurt, tears rolling down my cheeks. "You let them believe I had died in the plane crash."

"I know. I know, it was wrong and you have no idea how much I regret saying it."

"You regret…" I let out a sarcastic laugh, unable to complete my sentence. I sighed as the laugh died in my throat. "Do you really regret it? Because I don't think you do."

"What?!" She asked with that same tone she had used a few minutes ago in the conference room. "Of course I regret saying that…how can you doubt that?"

"Because," I said, now opening the door. "You preferred to lie to them instead of saying that I cheated on you. I mean…" I shrugged a shoulder. "I guess I should be happy that you didn't tell them I was a slut. But you chose to say that I was dead Callie. Would you really prefer that I had died in that crash? Would it be better for you without your disabled slut of a wife?"

The look in her eyes was cold. She was staring at me with a look she had never given me before. "Would you stop staring at me that way? I can handle this from anyone but not from you." I said as I came back to my couch. She entered the room and locked the door behind her. I dropped down on the cushions and looked up at her. "I'm tried of all this staring."

She ignored my comment and leaned up against my desk, looking down at me. "Do you really think I would be better if you were dead? That…that it'd be any easier for me?"

"Honestly, I do." I couldn't keep that to myself anymore.

No answer came from Callie. I waited and waited and waited but nothing came out of her mouth. We stayed there, looking into each other's' gaze for what felt like an eternity. I was fighting with my feelings and struggling to control my tears but there comes a moment when we just can't handle everything.

"You have no idea what you're talking about." It was all she said. I could see the tears filling her eyes. She was devastated…maybe not as much as I was, but she was none the less.

"I do though Callie." I said in a quiet breath. God, it suddenly became hard to form words. There were too many feelings involved. "Since the plane crash we know that things haven't been easy. All the adaptations we had to make…all the problems with the hospital. I didn't feel like myself and to be honest I don't think I'll ever feel like myself again. And you…you knew I wasn't the same."

"How do you th-" She tried to argue but I cut her off.

"And then…Lauren happened. Our life was a mess already and she appeared. And I know you don't want to talk about this because it hurts you. But…if it gives you any comfort, it hurts me too." I did feel really bad for bringing up Lauren, but I had to. This was the first time she had stopped and listened to me. This was my chance. "It hurts me because now everyone looks at me as a cheater. And I am a cheater. I will not deny that. But I'm no longer "Blondie" or "Rollergirl" I'm just the cheater." I had come to some sort of drunken revelation last night in that supply closet and I was desperate to share it with my wife. "You haven't been through this. But…I grew up gay. I know what it's like when people stare. They stare and they think they have a right to judge because of my life choices. They stare and they think they have a right to judge because I have one leg…But to be honest with you, I prefer to be stared at for being gay or for being an amputee than for being a cheater…a slut." I paused to give her time to process the things I had said. "You get stared at because you're beautiful. I don't." I said sadly with a shake of my head. "At least…not any more. But she stared at me too, you know? Lauren…she did. But it felt different, it felt good…it felt like the way people stared before the crash…the good kind of staring. She knew I didn't have a leg and still…she didn't care."

"Do you think I love you any less because you no longer have your left leg?" She raised an eyebrow.

I sighed what I was trying to say wasn't coming out in the best way, _'Way to go Arizona. Now you have to get out of this.'_ "That is not what I'm saying…I mean, not really. You knew me before. The perky woman that was all smiles all the time. And now…who am I to you? You'll never see me as you once did. You'll never want me like you once wanted me. I'm not the person you married." I was hit with a thought that put everything into perspective but also felt like a knife to the gut. "Maybe you were right to say that your wife was dead…Because she's gone now and what's left over is…me. Our lives changed forever Callie. What we had…it's never coming back."

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AN5: Soooooooooooooooo, what's gonna happen now? What does Callie think about it? Let's see on the next and last chapter. Hope you liked it, give me some feed back! Xo;


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Wow you guys! What a great feed back, I'm really glad you're enjoying this story, thank you so much.

AN2: This story is now going to be a three-shot. Like I said, I can understand Callie better than Arizona and well, when I started writing her pov I just kept writing and writing and when I noticed it was way too long, so I thought (actually my friend came with the idea) that reaking it in two chapters would be the better option.

AN3: I wanna thank my kickass beta reader 'MaybeIShouldGetACat'.

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CALLIE'S POV:

It was hard to sleep. My whole life, I have never had trouble falling asleep but after my conversation with Arizona today…I just couldn't keep my eyes closed for more than five seconds. I knew I shouldn't have been worrying about her. It was her mistake that had created this mess in the first place. She was the one in the wrong. Not me. She didn't deserve for me to worry about her. Yet I was. Because as much as I told myself I was in the right…As much as I wanted to pretend there was no shame in what I had done. I couldn't…not while my wife thought I wanted her dead. As I lay awake in bed her words kept echoing through my mind. _'Honestly, I do.'_ She'd worn this look of defeat on her face…one of silent acceptance. My wife honestly believed I'd rather have her dead than have to deal with her infidelity. How could she think like that? That wasn't the truth. Even with how much I currently despised her… my life would be ruined if I had lost her.

Though…as she had pointed out, in a certain way, I had lost her. Things would never be the same between us…even if she has forgiven me for making the call to amputate her leg…even if we can move past her infidelity it will never be like it was before.

I sighed as I thought back to our conversation. After her heartbreaking words, I couldn't stay there anymore. I needed to get out of her office. I wanted to run…to run and never be found. That was a selfish thought, but it was all that came to my mind. In that instance, I could tell that she regretted everything she had done and I knew she needed to talk. But listening to her talking about Lau- _'God, I can't even think about that woman's name._' When she mentioned _her_, I felt my stomach twisting in knots.

Despite the fact that I knew I should have stayed…should have convinced her that I didn't want her dead…she at least deserved that much, I just couldn't stay there. As soon as she told me that what was left over from the plane crash was the broken Arizona sitting before me…As soon as she said that our lives could never be the same, I just silently got up and walked out of her office.

She didn't attempt to follow as I went to get Sofia. I just picked up my daughter and headed home…No, we didn't head home. This wasn't our home….

So now…after all that, I found myself lying in a bed that didn't belong to me, staring up at the ceiling in the middle of the night, unable to fall asleep. Sofia is sleeping in the bed too, right beside me. She usually slept in Zola's room, in the extra bed that Meredith had so graciously prepared for her. But tonight…I needed her by my side. I needed her close to me. She gives me peace. She cools me down. She makes my world better and gives me hope that everything is going to be fine. She can make me feel all that just by smiling at me, even now, while she's asleep.

* * *

After hours of rolling around in the bed, I finally fell asleep…only to be woken up by my stupid pager! I growled and hauled my ass out of bed, placing a kiss on my sleeping angel's head. Walking into the kitchen, I saw that Meredith was already up with baby Bailey and after making arrangements for her to take Sofia to daycare I was on my way to work.

Now, three hours later, I found myself staring into the open leg of the 20 year old victim of a motorcycle accident. "The gap in the vessels seem too wide." I said as I tried to reanastomose the ends of the femoral artery. "This may be a more extensive fix than I thought. Why don't you go ahead and start harvesting the saphenous vein." I gestured for Murphy to start preparing the calf for a vessel harvest.

"Dr. Torres." Karev caught my attention as he entered my OR. "I think you may want to put your tools down." There was concern in his voice. _'What the hell was going on?'_ Why was my estranged wife's fellow in here commanding that I halt my surgery?

"Dr. Karev, I'm in the middle of a very complicated surgery. There's somebody on this table that needs my help. Why do I need to put my tools down?" I gave him a hard glare. It was the famous "Torres glare" that everybody knows not to mess with.

"But you need to. It's Robbins…"

What could Arizona possibly want now? Even though I felt guilty for my lie…even though I knew I needed to talk to her after walking out of her office…In the middle of the night when I was already tired and cranky, I wanted nothing to do with her. "Dr. Karev, unless this is in regards to my daughter, whom I left with Meredith and Derek I might add, then Dr. Robbins can take care of herself."

"I need you to put your tools down." He didn't even acknowledge what I had said. And now he was the one giving _me_ the hard glare. I hesitated but after a few moments I put my tools down. "Page Whit to complete this." I nodded to Murphy before walking into the scrub room to scrub out. "Okay Karev, what is this about? What does Arizona need?" I couldn't explain it, but even as mad as I was at her, I was starting to get a little worried. I knew it wasn't nothing."

"Dr. Torres, I need you to listen to me-"

"I'm listening!" I cut him off. Could he please just get to the point? My hands were starting to shake as a feeling of dread started to come over me.

"There has been an accident." He looked me in the eyes. "We paged her in for a gastroschisis baby and when she didn't respond I went over to the apartment…

I could feel my heart beating faster. My whole body was shaking now. _'An accident?... Where is she? Where's my wife?'_ "Alex where is she?" Tears were now rolling down my face. "Where's Arizona?"

"I found her in the shower, she must have slipped and hit her head. EMS brought her over and they're working on her in Trauma 1."

I stared at him open mouthed, unable to process what he was telling me. But it didn't matter that I didn't understand because my legs were already carrying me towards the elevator.

"Callie, Callie wait!" He ran after me, and slid into the elevator before the doors closed. "She's in bad shape…she didn't have a pulse when I got there…I got it back but she's…it's not good. Shepherd thinks she has a subdural." I felt my gut churn as I listened to his words. She was dying! Why wasn't this damn box moving any faster! I whirled around and punched the wall.

"Callie!" Karev caught me and pulled me into a tight hug as I continued to hyperventilate as we descended the last two floors to the ER.

As soon as the doors opened, my reflex was automatic and I pushed myself out of his embrace and flew out of the elevator, running down the hall and skidding to a stop in the doorway of Trauma 1. I froze as I looked into the room. I could see her wet blonde hair matted with blood as Bailey, Shepherd, and Hunt worked on her. She was completely nude and wasn't wearing her prosthetic…Karev had found her in the shower. Why hadn't he covered her up!

My concerns for my wife's dignity were quickly knocked out of my head as the cardiac monitor started to emit erratic beeps. "She's crashing again!" That was Bailey, who already had the defibrillator paddles in her hands. "Charge to 200." My body started to tremble as I heard the machine rev up. "Clear!" I watched as Arizona's body jumped on the table as the electricity flowed through her.

Karev had finally caught up to me and I felt his strong arms holding me up as the loud beeps started again. "Arizona, please! Come back Arizona. Don't you dare leave me here. Come back!" I yelled as Bailey gave her a second shock.

"Torres, shut up!" Bailey yelled at me before turning back to her intern. "Charge again!" She wasn't giving up on my wife. "Clear!" Another shock and the monitor flat-lined. I watched in a daze as they did compressions and pushed meds, anything to get her heart started again.

"How long has it been?" Bailey asked the nurse next to her. I didn't need to hear what the nurse was saying. I knew how long it had been. It had been long enough for her to not come back. Her body had given up…my wife was gone…

"Arizona!" I yelled as I woke up, a sheen of sweat coating my face. My body was shaking so much that it was almost impossible to sit up. Once I'd pushed myself upright, I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and looked around the room. I was a little lost…'_Where am I?'_ It didn't take too long to realize that it had all been a dream. My wife dying had just been a very very bad dream… _"Thank God."_ I said, letting out a breath that I must have been holding for a good two minutes now. I looked down at Sofia. Still asleep. Good thing she'd gotten my heavy sleeping habits.

With my body still shaking, I went to the kitchen to drink some water…my mouth was so dry.

"What are you doing awake?" Meredith's question startled me and I looked out into the living room. She had baby Bailey in her arms. That baby didn't give them a break! It was a miracle if he had slept for more than three hours straight. "Is everything okay?" She added when she noticed my shaking hand.

"I had a nightmare." I gulped down all the water in my glass at once. "With Arizona. I dreamt that she…that she died."

Meredith let out a laugh. _'Why_ _is she laughing? This is not funny at all!'_ "Don't look at me like that." She spoke up, apparently she had noticed my glare. "Don't take it too seriously. She's fine. She didn't die. She's still alive."

"How can I be sure that she's okay?" I still have that panicky feeling in my stomach. "She wasn't okay yesterday. We had a conversation and she wasn't okay…I mean emotionally."

"What?" She raised an eyebrow. "Do you think Arizona may be suicidal?"

My eyes opened wide in surprise. "Do you think she would?" I hadn't thought about that until now. Maybe my dream had been a premonition… _'Oh my God!'_ "I need to call her…" I said frantically as I dashed to the nearest phone. "I need to know if she's okay." My thoughts were not rational right now. Not after that horrifying dream and after Meredith had uttered the "S" word.

"No. You can't call her!" Meredith said as she approached me, baby Bailey now asleep in her arms. "It's 3:00 in the morning. You can talk to her tomorrow. It's too late…or too early…I don't know but…don't call her now. You'll scare her…and if you really think she is suicidal, you may trigger her. You need to wait until you can talk to her in person. Go back to bed, sleep, and tomorrow you can talk to her."

"How am I supposed to sleep now that I am picturing her lying dead in the middle of our kitchen, the floor bright red with blood because she slit her wrists!" I said, I was desperate. The word fear wasn't even close to what I was feeling.

"Callie, she's not dead, she's probably-"

"Everybody that I love cheats on me or dies!" I cut her off. "George did both." Hadn't I had this exact conversation with her husband a month ago?

"Callie, Arizona is not going to kill herself, okay? She's fine. You will work it out. You two will be fine." She said in a motherly tone as she looked in my eyes. "Now go back to bed before Sofia wakes up and starts crying because her mom isn't there."

"Okay…I will try…" I said with a sigh as I made my way back to the bedroom. I shut the door softly and looked at my sleeping daughter as I leaned against the wall. When I heard the lights flick off in the kitchen and Meredith shut her door, I knew what I needed to do. _'Screw this._' I wasn't waiting . I began to gather mine and Sofia's suitcases before waking up my sleeping princess. I was going to find my wife now.

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AN4: Soooooooooooooooooooo? What do you guys think? What's going to happen next?

Give me some feedback, alright? See you next chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Hello veryone! Yeah, yeah, I know, it took a little longer to post this one and I'm sorry about that. My beta and I have been a little (read a lot) busy lately and didn't have time to post but HEY, here it is finally! I want to thank you all for all the feed back you gave me, I was surprised with all those reviews and I'm really happy you're enjoying this story, thank you!

AN2: As always, I wanna thank my beta that has been more than a beta (lol) 'MaybeIshouldGetACat', thanks girl, you rock!

Enjoy your reading!

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The road back to town was long. Too long… We used to take the ferry because it was faster but I didn't want to take it today because I wasn't just going to work. I was going home. Sofia and I were going home.

It feels so good to think that… home. I had missed it. I know I was the one who left, but I needed to leave to realize that it is what I really want. That it is worth fighting for.

"Mami." Sofia called me from the back seat. "Go to play with Zola?" That was how Sofia referred to daycare. She and Zola had become really good friends. I thought it wouldn't work at first because what could you expect when two little kids spent too much time together. Usually it would end in crying and screaming but that didn't happen with those two. They were great friends. Just like their dads.

Mark would have really loved it…he'd probably say that Sofia would marry little Bailey when they're older because that'd be how he wanted it. Oh Mark… I could feel my eyes fill up with tears as I thought about my best friend. _'Please. Help me today.'_

"Mami!" Sofia said louder this time. Frustrated in her little two year old way that I hadn't given her an answer.

"Yes Sof, you're going to play with Zola. But first we're going to get mama, okay?"

A little high pitched squeal emitted from my tiny angel's lungs as she raised her arms up in the air. "Mama!" She was so excited and it brought a smile to my face.

The road seemed longer than it really was, but we finally arrived at the apartment complex around 5:00 am. Really after waking up around 3:00, panicking, packing, and driving, we had made good time, but I guess I felt like it was longer because I was still so anxious about the awful thought Meredith had placed in my head.

I parked my car in the garage and opened the door. Leaving the bags in the trunk I picked up Sofia and locked the car before heading to the building's entrance. As I stepped into the elevator with Sofia on my hip, I could feel my body start to shake. My nerves only intensified as the 5th floor got closer. When the doors slid open with a _ding_ I took a deep breath and stepped into the hallway, walking towards the blue door of 502…of home. I had my keys in my purse but I decided it was better to knock

It was weird to knock on the door of my own home but Arizona didn't know I was coming so it was the best thing to do if I didn't want to give her a heart attack. I knocked once. Twice. Three times and nothing. "Arizona?" I called from outside the door. I was aware that at the crack of dawn as it were, she could very likely be asleep, but still I felt the need to ask, "Are you in there?" No answer came from inside the apartment and I could feel my head start to spin as memories of my nightmare overwhelmed me. All the scenarios came flooding back; Arizona lying dead on the kitchen floor, Arizona lying dead in her bed next to an empty bottle of pills, or, like in her nightmare, Arizona lying bleeding and broken in the shower.

I took a deep breath and put Sofia on the floor. She looked up at me with her curious face but I had to pretend that I didn't see it. She's two years old…she didn't need an answer to why her Mami was having a mental break down in the hallway. Taking another deep breath I knelt down in front of her, making sure she was paying attention. "Sofia, Mami is going inside and I need you to do something. Can you help Mami?" She nodded. "Okay, Mama wants to play hide and seek with us. But its our turn to seek so you need to close your eyes until Mami says you can open them okay?" It seemed silly but it was the only way I found to convince Sofia to close her eyes as we entered the room. I knew I was probably being ridiculous, but there was a tiny part of me that didn't know what we were going to find in there and I could only think about the bad things I had been picturing on the drive over…I didn't need our daughter seeing her mother laying on the kitchen floor. "Can you do that? Can you do that for Mami?" She nodded again. "Okay." I got my key out and repositioned Sofia on my hip. "Alright Sofia, time to play. You can close your eyes. And don't open them okay? You can't cheat or Mama will be really mad. And we don't want that do we?"

A really low _'no'_ came out of her mouth and I smiled, pressing a kiss to her head. She had her determined face on. Ready to play hide and seek.

"Alright then. Let's go." I opened the door and entered the room. It was a little cluttered, but while Arizona was meticulous at work, she wasn't the most organized at home. I briefly looked at the pile of blankets and pillows on the couch before going to the scene of my first fear, the kitchen. Nothing. Already relieved I passed into the empty bedroom and then the bathroom. "Thank God." I said with a sigh. If she wasn't laying dead anywhere it was a good signal…right?

"Sofia, you can open your eyes." I shifted the toddler off my hip and put her on the ground. "Mama isn't here. Can you believe that? She's hiding so well!"

Once her little feet hit the floor she looked up at me. "Room?" Appearently she was disinterested in our little game now that she knew her other mother wasn't here.

"Yeah. You can go to your room." I sank down at the bed as I watched her run off. If there was something that she loved more than sleep and playing with Zola, it was her bedroom. I flopped down on my side of the mattress, yelping in surprise as my head struck the headboard instead of my soft pillows. Sitting back up, I looked around. _'Where on earth are my pillows?'_ It was then that I realized the bed was made and looked like it hadn't been touched in days. Maybe even weeks. Considering my ring and heart pendant were still laying at the foot of the bed where I had put them when I took Sofia and left. I felt tears stinging my eyes as I picked up the jewelry and slipped it into my pocket before looking around again. Arizona's pillows where there…and then I remembered. I stood and walked back to the living room, looking at the makeshift bed on the couch.

The tears spilled over when I realized she'd been using my pillows. But still, that didn't answer the question to where she was. I curled up on her blanket on the couch for a few minutes as I tried to figure out where she could be. The first place that came to mind was her office. She used to say that it was her safe haven, the place where she could go to rant or break down whenever she needed it.

"Sofia!" I called out to my daughter as I pushed myself off the couch. "Let's go. It's time to go to daycare to see Zola." She came running from her bedroom. "Careful there little miss, you don't want to trip!" I warned her as she almost took a header into my legs.

I picked her up again and started walking out of the empty house. When I stopped at the door I had a weird feeling come over me. Was this what she felt? Was it what she felt when she came home and realized I had left with our daughter? I shook my head to dispel the troubling thought and pushed myself forwards towards the elevator, ready to find my wife.

* * *

Now I'm at the hospital, heading for the peds floor. I already left Sofia at daycare, once again grateful for their early morning hours. Hopefully my little angel will actually get some more sleep before a long day with her best friend.

Without Sofia to distract me I couldn't stop thinking about what I was going to say to Arizona. I realized now that my words over the past month and my lie at the gala had hurt her terribly…but I can't forget that she hurt me too. The cheating was something that I wasn't going to forget any time soon. But I was willing to try…not to forget, but to give her a chance and maybe…maybe I could forgive. I'm a person who believes in second chances…this wasn't her second chance, she'd already had hers when she returned from Africa. But then again, she had stayed. She'd been willing to make a life with me and Sofia _and_ Mark. So maybe that negated her leaving. Maybe this was her second chance today.

I sighed. I don't know. I'm tired and I'm hurt. And maybe I'm not thinking about this the right way. Maybe I'm not being entirely rational. But I'm tired of thinking…it's time to give my brain some rest and let my heart speak. And it is saying that she deserves another chance.

I can feel the night nurses staring at me as I approached the door to Arizona's office. Feeling their judgmental eyes I had to agree with my wife. The staring thing really was annoying. Sealing myself, I took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

Nothing.

I tried again and still nothing. _'What the hell Arizona, can you just open the damn door?'_ "Do you know if she's in here?" I asked the nurses who were still staring my way.

"Probably, she spent the night in there…Again." Came the answer and I felt my stomach twist into knots. _'What? She spent the night in her office? She wasn't over-working was she?'_ Realizing that I wouldn't get an answer by knocking on the door, I grabbed my phone and dialed her number. I could hear it ringing in the room. This made me feel a little more confident about her being in there. Arizona carries her phone everywhere she goes.

I held my breath until there was a click after the 6th or 7th ring. "Hello?" Her tired voice spoke softly into the phone.

"Thank God you answered." I said, letting out the breath.

"Callie?" She was a little more awake now. "What is it? Is something wrong with Sofia?"

At this my heart didn't know what to do. Soar because she was so in love with our daughter or break because she assumed the only reason I'd be calling her was if there was an emergency. "Would you open the door please?"

"What?" She was confused now and I could hear her stifle a yawn.

"The door… your office door." I said, letting out a little laugh.

She didn't answer. She just hung up. I was kind of shocked for a split second until I heard scuffling noises inside the room and the door cracked open. Cautiously poking my head in the dimly lit office, I found her sitting on her couch near the doorway. The noise must have been her shuffling over to open the door. "Can I come in?" I asked as I looked her over. She wore pajama shorts and a tank top, her hair messy from sleep, her prosthetic leaning against her desk across from the couch.

In response, she leaned over and pushed the door open wider with her fingers, granting me entrance. I stepped in and shut the door behind me, leaning against it before working up the courage to look back at her.

"What are you doing here?" She still sounded sleepy as she looked at me curiously.

"I went home but you werent' there. So I figured you'd be here." I said as I gave her a weak smile. _'Come on Torres, stay strong.'_

"Y-you what?" Her perfect eyebrows shot up in surprise. "You went… you went home?"

"Umm…yeah, I did." I said. I don't know why, but I was feeling a little embarrassed.

After a pause, she slid back on her couch, towards her pillows, giving me the vacated space by the door. "So…why did you go there? Did you need to get more clothes for Sofia?"

"No, actually…" I started slowly as I took a seat next to her, a little closer than she expected judging by the look on her face. "I went to check on you…" She gave me a small glare, but it was more fatigued than anything. _'Oh Arizona, please don't give me that look.'_ "I um… had a weird feeling. And I-I wanted to see if you were okay."

Again silence filled the room. Silence has been very present in my recent conversations with Arizona. It made it really awkward because it made me feel like I was talking with a stranger.

"Can we not do this?" She asked, staring into my gaze. "I-I'm tired of this…I'm just…tired. It's my own fault but I can't have this kind of conversation with you anymore because when we talk it doesn't feel like I'm talking to my…wife." She said the last word a little slower, a little more unsure.

I sighed as I looked at her. "I don't think we can avoid…you said it well when you said that things between us weren't going to be the same…ever." There was my weak smile again. "We can't deny it. You were completely right about that."

"I know." She said sadly. "What are we going to do Calliope?" My heart raced as she said my full name…I don't think she even realized she'd done it as she continued. "Are we just going to keep pretending we mean nothing to each other? That the only thing we have in common is Sofia?" She paused and I could see her weighing her words carefully. "Keep pretending we don't miss each other?" I raised my eyebrows, surprised by her words and she just continued on, undeterred. "Or…" She shrugged a shoulder wearily. "Maybe you aren't pretending. You told people that I was dead. And-and…" She rolled her eyes up to the ceiling, "It makes me wonder if you want me to be."

* * *

AN3: I know I said it would be a two-shot then became a three-shot and now I have to say it's gonna be a four-shot lol But believe me, it was necessary and it'll be worth it, okay? I hope you enjoyed this one as much as you enjoyed the others. XOXOXO;


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